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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

When Your Heart Breaks...

A few words broke this momma's heart last week. We were all in the car, and we were talking about marriage and how we hope our boys don't marry too young. I was telling the boys that it's important for them to finish college and get a good job before they get married so they can take care of their family. My six year old said, "I don't think I'll like college." I asked why not. He replied, "Because you have to be away from your family for five or six days."
It hurt so much it might as well have been a knife in my heart. My husband immediately looked over at me. He knew it hit me hard. He assured me that Spencer didn't really mean anything by it. I grabbed for a tissue in my purse, hiding my tears from my kids. Even now, a few days later, it still makes my heart ache to think about it.
I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I'm doing exactly what God wants me to be doing right now. That doesn't make this road an easy one, though. I miss my kids when I'm away from home all day. When I want to just go home after classes, I have to go to work, because we still have to pay our bills, including my tuition. When I get home, exhausted beyond words, and want to just relax and have fun with my family, I have to study and do homework and cook dinner and wash clothes. On the weekends, I struggle to play catch up, getting groceries and doing housework, and studying - always studying.
This weekend, I tried to remind the kids of why I'm going back to school. I was off work, so I took them to a friend's birthday party. They went grocery shopping with me. They watched cartoons and skateboarded and played in the backyard while I did housework. We had dinner together as a family. They told me how much they loved our weekend. I reminded them that one reason I decided to go back to school is time with them. When I graduate and start my new career, I'll be home by 6:00 every night (instead of 8:00) and I'll never have to work weekends. I'll have lots more time off, more flexibility, and more money. I reminded them that it will be worth it. Hearing the joy in Spencer's voice when he realized that this isn't forever started to heal the ache in my heart.
I have to remind myself of that a lot. I have to sacrifice now to make things better in the long run. The sacrifices are hard, and they hurt. All I can do is cling even tighter to God and trust in His strength to see me through. It will be worth it all in the end.

4 comments:

Meredith said...

ooohhhh, honey...
*hugs*
I am glad that he is able to see that this is just a temporary thing... but...

my heart hurts for you. :(

It's just a season, and not all seasons -- even the God willed ones, are easy.

I am so sorry.

Aurie{OurGoodLife} said...

{{hugs}} - keep in mind that this stage is not forever, and the end result is SO worth working towards!

Corrina Beana said...

That is really hard :( It breaks my heart too when my kids say they wish they could stay with me or come to work with me. But I remind myself of the same things you do--that it's temporary sacrifices for long-term gain that will benefit your children and their future. Hugs to you!

Rachel M. said...

I wish I could give you a big hug! It will definitely be worth it some day. You make me thankful to have a career that brings me home by 6pm. Big hug!!!

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